A Sick Clown's Wish
by Noelle McHenry
Summary: "Is this card, a Joker, your card, my sweet Alice?"
1. So-Called Best Friends

The Joker was lounging around in his Steel Mill, coughing wildly one minute and leaving his '_BFF_' Batman a message on his voicemail the next.

With a sigh, Joker dramatically said aloud to no one in particular, "I don't get it. Why can't Bats just answer my calls?" Following this was his typical hysterical laughter, which was then cut off by heavy coughs.

"Oh, Mister J, don't push yourself!" whined Harley Quinn. "Wouldn't want ya dyin' on me, now _would I_?" The way she said this made Joker a tad suspicious, but then he figured that there wasn't much Harley could possibly be without him other than a run-of-the-mill prostitute, so he let it slide.

Joker looked down at the phone he held and dialed Batman again. He was directed to voicemail once more, so he started to speak in a concerned tone of voice.

"Bats, come on! Don't ignore me. Don't tell me you've gone and _died_ on me. That'd be such a shame! Call me back once and a while before I get paranoid!"

When he hung up, Joker looked over at Harley to see that she was giving him a strange look. "What is it? Do I look worse?"

"I don't know why you bother with that jerk, Mister J." Harley complained. All she ever did was complain - at least, that's how it seemed to Joker as of late.

"Why, _Harley~_. He's the one person who truly understands me, and he always listens to what I've got to say whether he wants to admit it or not - now how could I not _love_ him for that?"

"But _I_ understand you! And I can give you _so much more_ than he can, can't I?"

"You're one to talk - in fact, you're talking me _to death_! Be quiet and talk again when you give me a cure. If you get a cure to me first, I'll kiss you. If not, then I suppose my lips will be saved for Batman."

Harley countered this with more whining, so Joker simply huffed and rubbed his brow. Harley could be so unamusing sometimes.

"Nag, nag, _nag_. And I _wondered_ why I don't like women so much."

The clown prince of crime and his girlfriend both stopped when suddenly someone stormed into the room and stood threateningly as a silhouette in the doorway - while this puzzled Harley, Joker could almost sense who it was without even looking.

"Ah, Batman! What a pleasant surprise! How on Earth did you even get in here? I've got this place locked down like Harley's bra!" He paused for a moment, placing a finger to his crimson-lipsticked lips. "... I answered my own question, it seems. Ha ha!"

Batman said nothing. He didn't even move.

"Oh come now, Bats - don't be so serious! Don't you even have a comeback?"

"Mister J, he's starting to creep me out..."

"Hush, Harley!" Joker looked long and hard at Batman, realizing quickly that the Dark Knight looked... different, so to speak, and was doing nothing but staring straight at him. "Batsy, old pal... What's with the new mask? It looks a little bit like a..."

"... Like a what, Mister J? ... Mister J?" Harley looked over at her love interest only to find him petrified. "Mister J, are you...?"

Joker suddenly jumped to his feet, which caused him to start coughing again. Before either of them could react, Batman had practically soared across the room. He grabbed the sputtering clown by the throat and lift him up into the air.

"Mister J! Let go of him, you big bru- _AAH_!" Harley stepped forward to attack Batman, only for the man to simply swat her away roughly enough to throw her into the wall and stun her.

"C-come on, Bats!" Joker choked. "You look like a _dork_ with that mask and those false teeth! It's not fair if you kill me like this! You're -" Joker coughed, kicking weakly and clawing at Batman's grip around his throat. "- not _yourself_! You breaking your one rule wouldn't count for much if _it's not you who broke it_, now _would it_?!"

Batman still said nothing, and Joker gazed at him with a smirk and one eye closed.

"Still, you would be traumatized if you killed me right now, wouldn't you? I can just picture it now... You lose control of yourself and you maul me until my poor old body just can't take it anymore. I die with one last laugh, and when you snap to your so-called _senses_, you realize you killed the only person who ever _needed_ you. _You break_. Everyone dies. _Happy ending_."

The Dark Knight tightened his grip on Joker's throat at these words, but still didn't make a sound. He turned around and started walking for the door.

"Oh, you wanna take me somewhere?" Joker asked hoarsely. "Why didn't you just say so? All you had to do was say '_please_'. You should know by now that I'd go _anywhere_ with you, Bats."

Harley stood up, though the blow from Batman had knocked the wind out of her so bad that her legs were wobbling. "Where are you going? Where are you taking my Mister J?! Come back here!" She yelled.

"See you, Harl! Keep your eye on those losers we hired while I'm away on my little date with Batman!" Joker's laughter filled the loading bay.

Joker was shifted in Batman's arms when the man pulled out his Batclaw, and he thought about imagining himself as some dumb broad, a damsel in distress clinging to her knight in a black cowl, but he was in too much pain to really go through with it. Instead, he simply let his mind wander on all the possibilities as to what Batman would do to him. _Kill_ him? _Torture_ him? _Inject_ him _with TITAN_? _Give_ him to _Two-Face_ or _Penguin_? _Give_ him to _Mad Hatter_ (this possibility seemed most likely given Batman's bizarre appearance, and also most dire to Joker for some reason)? Or something else?

Honestly, Joker was immensely curious, but all-in-all, he'd be okay with anything happening, just so long as he got to spend some much needed quality time with his beloved '_best friend_', Batman.


	2. Card Trick

The clown prince of crime wasn't actually entirely sure how he'd managed to dance his way into the scenario he was in. He was here, in the arms of his beloved arch-nemesis - the one and only Batman - _dying_, while Batman simply ignored him and kept on carrying him to whatever godforsaken place they were headed to.

Not that he was complaining. He actually much adored the way Batman was carrying him like they'd just married; like he was carrying Joker to a car set to go to a hotel, where they'd have a romantic dinner and leave a '_do not disturb_' sign on the doorknob before entering their hotel room together, hand-in-hand.

'_Naah, cut it out, me. No reason to plan everything out so soon in advance - he hasn't even popped the question yet! Planning would take the _fun_ out of everything._' He thought to himself and tried to snicker, but only managed to send himself into yet another coughing fit.

It wasn't long before Joker found out his hunch had been right - Batman was carrying him into the Mad Hatter's section of Arkham City.

"Oh, _hell_. Think you could drop me off here, Bats? I'd rather not see this freak right now."

Again, Batman refused to respond to Joker.

"... That freakish mask on your face. He's _controlling_ you, isn't he? I should've known. I feel stupid for not realizing sooner! So Hatter _wants_ me, is that it?"

"..."

"Can't you speak? Or has the rabbit strung your tongue around his ugly pocket-watch?"

"..."

"Bats, can you even _hear_ me? Do you have any idea what's going on? For God's sake, give me some sort of _sign_! A hand twitch! A slight mouth movement! A mumble! _Anything_!"

"..."

Joker reached up to smack the mask off of Batman, but the Dark Knight simply dropped him and caught his leg with the Batclaw before yanking him back up into his arms and continuing on his way.

"Was that supposed to _startle_ me, Bats? You're so predictable."

After a few more minutes of Batman gliding and performing acts of incredible agility, all with the light-weighted Joker laying weakly in his arms, he came to a brief halt and opened a door. He stepped inside, and next thing Joker knew, he was watching the Mad Hatter himself stand up from a table lined with hypnotized thugs and bow.

"Ah, Alice has _arrived_!"

Joker furrowed his brow. _Alice_? Where was _Alice_? _Here_? Since _when_?

"Sit, sit!" Hatter beckoned.

Batman placed Joker down in the chair parallel to Hatter across the long dining table before sitting in the closest chair to Joker's right.

"So what's the big idea? If you don't already know, I'm dying, so I'd really much rather have stayed back where I was-"

"Would you like to see a card trick?"

"... What have you done to Batman?"

"Oh, _that_! Don't mind that. He's _mine_ now."

"_Don't mind it_? You've taken my precious Batman and turned him into even more of a _freak_! Normally, I wouldn't be complaining... but breaking Batman's _my_ job, not yours!"

"I would like to show you a card trick."

Joker sighed. "I'm already bored by you. Get it over with."

Mad Hatter stepped up onto the table and knelt on one knee in front of Joker. He pulled out a handful of cards and spread them out, the back of the cards facing the ceiling. "Pick a card, any card."

Joker hesitantly reached out and plucked a card from Hatter's grip. He flipped it over and looked at it.

A joker. Just his luck.

He looked up at Hatter with his vibrant, yet currently bloodshot, green eyes as he slowly returned the card to the hand, while still keeping it hidden from him.

Hatter pulled out the rest of the deck and slipped the dealt hand in. He started shuffling, and took his sweet goddamned time in doing so, until he finally decided to get on with it.

"Is _this_ your card?"

Joker jumped a little when he saw the card had an image of himself on it. He paused for a moment, however, and realized that the card revealed to him was, in fact, not a card at all - it was a simple hand mirror. He stammered, wondering if perhaps this was a trick question.

A grin that made Joker feel sick to his stomach spread across Hatter's face. "Is _this_ card, a _Joker_, _your_ card, my sweet _Alice_?"


	3. Not Laughing Now, Are You?

"So... wait. _I'm_ Alice?"

Mad Hatter responded to The Joker's question with hysterical laughter. All of his hypnotized '_goons_', even Batman, mimicked him.

For once, the sound of laughter didn't excite Joker. In fact, it might have even scared him a bit.

'_Geez, this toxin in my blood must really be having serious effects on me - I'm mellowing out!_' Joker thought.

"Oh, Alice... So _clueless_." Hatter purred as he reached out and gently rubbed his fingers down Joker's cheek - over the clown's scars.

Joker calmly reached up and swatted his hand away. "Don't touch me."

"Tut, tut! Don't be _cross_ with me, Alice..." Hatter reached out again, but this time his hand went for Joker's green hair, grabbing it and tugging it.

"Hey, quit it! For someone so posh, I expected more manners than this! Don't you know it's not polite to bully a guest?" From his left pocket, Joker produced a small knife. He quickly swiped at Mad Hatter, but found this tactic to have been useless - Hatter equally as quickly disarmed him and got him around the throat, placing the blade against his neck.

In this little maneuver, Joker had ended up standing and facing Batman, whom he locked eyes with. For some reason, he expected his enemy to suddenly break through Hatter's control and save him or something.

Then suddenly, to his surprise, Batman stood up fast enough to knock his chair over.

"Move another inch and Alice's blood paints the walls, Batman." Hatter warned, making Batman freeze.

"Oh ho _ho~_, go ahead. My blood's _killing_ me, anyways!"

"I love your _sass_, Alice. It's very arousing."

"Wait... _what_?"

"You _heard_ me, my sweet..." Hatter nearly breathed this into Joker's ear.

Joker's face went blank as he tried to process what was being implied. "... I feel like a bit of a hypocrite by saying this... but you're _sick_. A real nutjob."

"I _love_ the sound of your _voice_..."

Joker furrowed his brow again. He wasn't necessarily liking the position he was in - his back was to Hatter, he had a knife to his throat, and he was too weak to fight if things took a step in any which direction.

The clown looked back at Batman, who hadn't moved a muscle. "Come on, tough guy. He won't go through with it. He's all talk. _Save_ me already!"

"He can't hear you, Alice."

"Oh, I think he can. He can always hear me when I talk to him. We have a connection like that. Don't we, Batsy?"

Batman's hands balled up into fists, and in response to this, Hatter pressed the knife a little closer to Joker's neck.

"What are you waiting for, Batfreak? If you let him do this to me, then you're no better than anyone else here, and I'll _really lose respect_ for you, you kn-" Joker coughed again.

"Oh, my sweet Alice... You're _suffering_. I see now why you want him to move - _you want me to put you out of your misery_."

"Let go of me, you psycho!" Joker shouted back, now beginning to squirm a bit. "Bats, _help_! Pretend I'm Robin or something!"

Batman didn't move.

Joker narrowed his eyes, now glaring menacingly at the Bat. "If you don't help me, I'll _kill everyone you care about_. NOW _MOVE_!" He roared.

Still, Batman remained frozen in place.

"Let's go, Alice... We'll be safe together in here." Mad Hatter started to drag Joker away. Joker was too stunned to even fight, and the last thing he muttered before the door closed and locked behind himself and the Mad Hatter was...

"... _Bats_?"


	4. Batman to the Rescue…?

It was the third scream belted out by The Joker that snapped Batman out of his trance. He took off the ridiculous mask that had been placed on his face and crushed it in his hand. He then turned to the door that Mad Hatter had carried his '_Alice_' into.

It had been the third scream of Joker's in particular to snap him out of Hatter's control because the scream had been cut short, was proceeded by a muffled '_Stop resisting_!', and was followed by silence from Joker.

Bruce hurried over to the door and tried to open it - locked, of course. He took a step back before slamming into it. No good. He tried again. "Joker!"

"Oh! Perhaps I gave you less credit than you deserve, Alice." Hatter said from inside the room. Batman expected to hear Joker make some sort of aggressive counter, but the clown prince of crime made no sound.

"Dammit!" Batman charged into the door once more, twice more, and then suddenly the door was opened before he smashed into it, causing him to stumble.

"Have you come to _watch_, Batman?" Hatter asked. Joker lay unconscious on the floor in front of him, and he had a hand on the clown's pants as if he were about to tug them off.

"Let Joker _go_, Jervis." Batman demanded.

"Or else what? Face it, Batman; you should be _glad_ I'm taking Alice off of your hands. Alice is _mine_ now. I know Alice will cooperate with me more once I give him one of my lovely hats. I've been saving the best one of all for my dearest Alice... It'll make him _mine_,_ forever_."

"I said, _let Joker go_. Don't make me hurt you."

"Oh, but Batman - you won't even be able to _touch_ me!" With a gesture, Hatter pointed out that all of his goons were now entering the room, ready to fight. Batman started fighting them solely out of necessity.

While Batman fought of his goons, Mad Hatter picked up the sickly Joker and made a break for it, which made Batman fight a little more brutally.

Once all of Hatter's goons were unconscious, Batman contacted Alfred. "Alfred, The Mad Hatter has kidnapped The Joker. He's determined to make him his protégé, and he might even kill him if he can't."

There was a brief pause of Alfred's side. "... Frankly, I do not see much of an issue in this, Master Wayne. Though I assume you will try to locate them?"

"Yes. I can't let Mad Hatter kill Joker, because then I'll have to deal with Harley - she'll be much too vengeful."

"Well, be _careful_, Master Wayne. Good luck."

"Thank you, Alfred." Batman stopped the call and stood where he was for a long moment, thinking about this. He was about to go off on a rescue mission to save The Joker, who had caused him so much anguish and even poisoned him, from The Mad Hatter. Was Joker really worth it?

Bruce shook his head. "It's not a matter of choice." He muttered to himself. "I cannot allow Jervis to kill another '_Alice_'."

With that, he ran out of Hatter's hideout and began his search for the psychopath and clown.


	5. What A Conundrum!

When The Joker began to come to, he found that he was dangling upside down, and began to laugh until he had to cough. He ended up coughing blood onto himself, but wasn't exactly unpleased by the fact.

Soon, the Mad Hatter, otherwise known as Jervis Tetch, walked in and waved a pocket watch in front of Joker's face.

"Hey~! Nice watch."

"You like it?"

"I'd like it better if you weren't flaunting it."

Hatter let out a snicker and pulled the watch back, giving Joker a slight shove to mildly disorient him.

"You and I both know that Batman will come to my rescue. So why don't you just let me go, and we can both take him down?"

"Intriguing offer, my dearest Alice... but I'm afraid I must refuse. I count on Batman's arrival. ... Look at you, Alice! You're in such disarray! I think we should get you cleaned up and in your best dress..."

Joker's smirk disappeared when the Mad Hatter tugged off the green bowtie that had been around his neck. "Wait, what are you doing? Get your filthy hands off of me, freak!" However, Joker was fairly powerless to stop him, as he was not only weak from his illness, but also had his hands restrained behind his back.

The Mad Hatter giggled triumphantly as Joker struggled against him, knowing that it was futile. After opening the clown prince of crime's shirt, he came to notice the problem before him. "Well, Alice, this simply won't do! I'll have to cut this suit off of you."

"Don't you _dare_!" Joker snarled, not even bothering to come up with a funny little joke to add to his protest. He knew that unlike with Batman, what Joker did and didn't say changed little when it came to Hatter, who didn't even seem to be listening to him to begin with.

"Ah, well, I suppose it can wait. In the meantime, I must do something about that makeup..."

When the Mad Hatter revealed a damp cloth shortly after, Joker kept moving his face away.

"Hold still, Alice!"

"Go to _Hell_, y-"

Both of them stopped for a moment when they heard a door slam.

"Whoever could _that_ be?"

"It's probably Batman. He's probably here to kick your ass and save me. About goddamned time, I might add!"

"You think I am the Bat? You must be more obsessed with him than I thought." said the voice of their mystery visitor, who was keeping himself hidden in the shadows. "It is _quite_ a laugh to see how far The Joker has fallen, though. Now you've become nothing but another one to the hat-lover's playthings, and Batman is too busy with my riddles to come to your rescue as you say he will."

Mad Hatter grinned and slowly turned toward the voice. "Oh, Alice. It appears the Cheshire Cat had made his _untimely_ entrance."

The figure stepped out of the shadows and revealed himself. "It is _I_ \- Edward_ E. Nigma_."


	6. The Homicidal Artist's Quandary

Bruce Wayne - or rather, in this case, Batman - frantically looked around. He had to save the doctor that Riddler had kidnapped, and while the puzzle seemed simple enough (compared to what he knew Riddler was capable of), he had to solve it quickly - rescuing The Joker was, strangely, his top priority underneath saving an innocent life. Or was it _tied_? Batman was never sure anymore.

"Help me! Oh, God, please _help_ me!" screamed the doctor on the platform above Batman.

Using his "_Detective View_" to his advantage, Batman used his Batarang to hit Riddler's switches to turn off specific panels of the electrified floor, and was able to quickly solve the puzzle. He leaped off of the raising platform and glided over to the dangling platform that the doctor was on.

"Don't be _too_ proud of yourself, Batman." echoed Riddler's voice from nowhere and everywhere. "That was one of the _easy_ ones."

Batman scoffed under his breath and started to untie the nervous doctor's restraints.

"... _Bats_?"

Batman froze. His head jolted up to better hear. How on Earth was he hearing Joker in Riddler's transmission?

"Hey, Riddle-face - are you talking to Batman?"

"Be quiet, clown."

Batman narrowed his eyes. Did this mean that Riddler had Joker now, instead of Mad Hatter? He was a tad confused, he had to admit.

"Oh, yes. I've heard from the clown that he expects a rescue from you, is that right, Batman? Knowing you, I don't doubt it."

"Knowing him? You don't know him at all. I know everything about Bats."

"I don't doubt _that_, either."

"You'd better not. Hey, Nigma, come on - I thought we were _pals_!" Joker giggled.

"Be quiet!" Riddler snapped. "You're hogging all of Batman's attention, _Na_-..." He trailed off there. For once, Joker had no counter-argument; he seemed stunned speechless by whatever it was that Riddler was going to say.

"... What was that?"

"What was _what_?"

"Finish that sentence, pretty boy. What were you going to say? _Nay_, what?"

"You're pitiful, clown. I almost feel _sorry_ for you."

"What was it you were going to say?! _TELL_ ME!" Joker roared.

Batman and the scared-shitless doctor who was still tied to the chair heard the sound of Riddler leaving the room, making Joker's half-angry, half-desperate demands muffled underneath Riddler's speech.

"Well, Batman, back to the matter at hand. Just know that you will not be able to save any of my other hostages." He said this uncharacteristically fast and cut the transmission as Joker's yelling got louder in the background.

"Wh-what was that all about?" The doctor asked shakily when Batman finally untied him from the chair.

"Personal business. It doesn't concern you." was Batman's blunt answer.

* * *

Edward Nigma put the microphone down on the table and returned into the room where he had Joker tied to a chair. He'd managed to subdue The Mad Hatter and make off with his '_Alice_,' much to Joker's pleasure, as _he_ was said '_Alice_.'  
"You really don't know what I was going to say?" He asked.

Joker slowly raised his lowered head and spoke hoarsely, "Nope." While his voice hinted at depression, he spoke with his typical smile, over-exaggerated by his scars and red makeup. "But I do seem to be getting around tonight, don't I? Ha ha ha!"

Riddler only blinked with a disapproving look on his face. "At least you still remember _that_. Do you remember who had you?"

"That Alice In Wonderland nut. I'm not that stupid."

"I'm not calling you stupid, clown. I'm just pointing out how easily you forget things."

"Do I? Do I have a short-term memory, Riddle-lips? Please, do tell of how many holes are in my memory. Because you know me so well! Hee hee hee ha ha hoo ha _HA_!"

"Stop with that obnoxious laughter before I gag you."

"Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter? Ha _h_-" Joker cut himself off by bursting into another coughing fit.

"Well, that seems rather _ironic_, doesn't it?" Riddler muttered, making Joker giggle. Riddler turned away and sighed. "I _hate_ to see you like this, _N_-..."

"Ah! There we go again! You lead me on and turn me off. You shouldn't bait me like this, Nigma. You shouldn't tease the shark with blood and not expect to lose a limb or two."

"Sorry. I just keep forgetting who I'm speaking with."

"Just tell me!"

"You won't like it."

"Hmm. You know, it was hard to tell you were trying to please me with how you tied me to a goddamned chair. But than again, you never cease to amuse me. Spit it out, _Nashton_."

Riddler, with a slow exhale, walked closer to Joker. He knelt down so he was face to face with the clown prince of crime, his right hand on Joker's left shoulder and his cane - in his left hand - pressed against the floor beside the chair.

Joker's bloodshot green eyes locked with his own blue eyes. The lack of hostility in Joker's gaze was either a side-effect of his illness or, most likely, a show of his respect for Riddler; while they often bickered, the two of them were still rather close '_friends_.'

"Your memory is more faulty than you think, ... _Napier_."

Joker's smirk slowly transformed into a deep frown. His left eye twitched a bit, his left lid staying up, and his head gradually dropped back down.

Riddler sighed again and stood up straight in front of Joker. "I can only assume you remember now."

Joker soon started to laugh, though it wasn't the same as usual.

These were Joker's sobs.

He'd long since forgotten how to cry, so he simply did what he did best: _laugh_. Riddler was probably the only person who had ever heard Joker's sob-laugh, dismissing the existence of Harley Quinn. The only ways in which it could be considered different were by the tone... and then, of course, there was the dark makeup that was beginning to streak down Joker's cheeks.

"I'll leave you be for a moment." Riddler mumbled. He hesitantly left the room, and the last thing he heard from Joker before he closed the door was his confused, piteous weeping.

"My face... My _face_..."


	7. A Confusing Show of Affection

"I don't know if it'll cheer you up or not, Napier, but I know who Batman is."

Joker looked up at The Riddler, who was crouched in front of him. "... You do?"

Riddler nodded and opened his mouth to spill the beans.

"Don't tell me."

"Hm?"

"Where's the fun in that? I don't wanna know who Bats is."

"Are you sure you're not just worried that if you find out his name, you'll kill everyone he loves?"

Joker let out a small laugh, if it could even be called that. "I'd have to kill myself then, wouldn't I? Let's just keep it undisclosed."

"Well... Who do you _think_ he is?"

Joker shrugged. "I don't really care. Batman is Batman. Whoever he is under that goofy mask isn't."

Riddler furrowed his brow a bit at Joker's surprisingly-sane reasoning. He supposed it had to do with the mellowing effect Joker's past had on his behavior, and that the next time the clown slept, it'd wear off and he'd come running back to Riddler for the answer to the biggest riddle either of them had ever come to know.

"What's that face for, Nigma?"

"Nothing. I just like this side of you, that's all."

"What, the side that doesn't like to laugh? That's a rare one. You should feel special." Though it was a joke, Joker mumbled this in monotone.

"I do."

Joker, with his makeup smeared on his face, drowsily looked up at Riddler. "You do?"

"With you? _Always_."

* * *

Batman kicked open the door to an apartment that Mad Hatter had apparently been seen entering. Thus, it wasn't seeing Mad Hatter inside that surprised Batman - it was the state he was in.

Hatter was gagged and beaten, and he was tied down to the bed in the corner of the room. Batman walked over and tore off the gag.

Hatter snarled at him, "He stole my Alice."

"Who took Joker?" Batman demanded the answer.

"The Cheshire Cat."

"Was it The Riddler?"

"Yes."

Batman turned to storm out.

"Hey, wait! Aren't you going to untie me?"

"You'll find a way." That said, Batman flew out of the apartment. He'd have to find Riddler now, it seemed. He was frustrated by that development, but was fine to go through the riddles, when suddenly...

"Incoming call from The Joker." His portable Batcomputer within his suit announced that Joker was calling him. Quickly, he tapped into it, and was almost compelled to speak, but held it back.

That was when the music started to play in the background of the call.

"_I know~_...  
"_someone who _wants_ you~_...  
"_Guess who~, gue~ss _who...  
"_He wonders, Bats, if you want him too~_?  
"_Do you~_?  
"_He'd love to hold you in his arms_,  
"_and whisper in your~ ear~_,  
"_and tell you just_,  
"_how grand you are_,  
"_and ju~st how much he ca~res_.  
"_I know~_...  
"_someone who _loves_ you~_...  
"_Guess who~, gue~ss _who...  
"_A~and loves those little sweet things_,  
"_you sa~y_,  
"_and do~_...  
"_I try to tell you in my song_;  
"_can't you play a~long_?  
"_The one who loves you_, _Ba~atman_...  
"... _is_ me..."

Batman stood still, confused and stunned by Joker's singing, yet at the same time, not exactly surprised.

"Isn't it nice of Riddler to let me get in touch with you like this? Maybe I should be singing this to _him_. What do you say, ... _Bruce_?" Just like that, the call cut to silence. Joker had hung up.

Batman was shaken to the core by that one, last word - his name.  
Joker knew his name now.  
It wasn't particularly the knowledge that Joker knew his real name that scared him so bad; it was the concern of _what he'd use it for_.


	8. I'm Going Mad

When Batman arrived at Arkham City's steel mill, he expected to find Joker. However, he hadn't expected to see Harley Quinn bound and gagged, hidden away in a corner he happened to run into.

The Dark Knight reached out and tore off the duct tape on her lip.

"I ain't tellin' you _nothin'_!" She immediately shouted.

"Did Joker do this to you?" Batman asked, ignoring her protest.

"No!" However, despite shouting this, she nodded a bit.

"Is he still here?"

"I'm not saying anymore!" Again, she allowed herself to nod a little. "Wait... Wait, what are y-" She was cut off when Batman put the little piece of tape back over her lips.

Batman soon found himself in the loading bay of the rundown steel mill. Jumping up, he made is way into the manager's office, where Joker was typically holed up.

"Ah, welcome back, Batman." said Joker, who sat calmly in his chair which was parallel to where Batman was currently standing.

"Why did you tie Harley up?"

"How come it's always straight down to business with you? Whatever. I tied her up because she was annoying."

There was something in Joker's tone that was striking Batman as odd - he didn't entirely sound like himself.

"What's the matter with you, Batsy?"

"I should be asking you that."

"What's the matter with me? What's the matter, with _ME_? Why, Batsy... You should know better than anyone _what's the matter_ with _me_." Joker said as he slowly stood from his chair.

Batman said nothing, prompting Joker to continue.

"What's the matter with me is that you and I are so much alike, and yet you refuse to see it."

"We are nothing alike."

"We are, though! I act, you act."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you pretend to be that bat freak who has an obsession with beating people up, and clowns, and I pretend to be that clown freak who has an obsession with killing people, and bats."

"You're not pretending."

"Aren't I? I've become what you wanted me to be. What you wanted me to be when you let me fall, so that you could alleviate some of the guilt. Was there any guilt, Bruce? Any sleepless nights, thinking that you'd _killed_ a man and broken your one rule?"

"It was an accident." Batman mumbled. He cringed a little inside at how pathetic he sounded, but he couldn't help it - this was a delicate subject with him, and it made him feel almost helpless. Almost like he had when he was a kid, when...

"There is no such thing as an _accident_, Bruce. Admit it, you made a mistake, and you regret it, because the moment our eyes locked, there was undoubtedly a connection. You can't deny that."

Batman lunged forward and tightened his fingers around the collar of Joker's grungy purple suit jacket, hoisting him up off of his feet a little.

"You're going crazy, Brucie. You see, I'm not really here. I suppose the hallucinations I mentioned earlier are finally beginning to set in with you, huh?"

"What did Riddler do to you?"

Joker seemed puzzled for a moment. His Glasgow grin was the only smile on his face for a few seconds, but then he smiled naturally, enhancing the scars. "Riddler? Why would Riddler do anything to me? He loves me - even _shows it_ more than _you_ do. But I know he doesn't love me _as much_ as you do."

There was that word. Love. Batman had a hard time wrapping his mind around it, coming from Joker.

"Why? Are you _jealous_, Batsy? Don't be. I don't love him back, at least, not as much as I love _you_."

"Why w-..." Bruce cut himself off, realizing a little too late that it was more like Batman to say nothing in response to this.

"Why would I love you? Well, let me try to list the reasons... You complete me. And even if you don't show it, I can tell that I complete you, too."

For a moment, both of them were quiet, staring into each other's eyes. Looking into Joker's eyes, Batman noticed something that perhaps only he could notice - there was a look in Joker's eyes, or more specifically, a lack of said look. He looked... almost emotionless, despite the characteristic grin on his face. There was no insanity to be seen, yet at the same time, no _sanity_ to be seen, either.

However, fear suddenly appeared in those green eyes after a coughing voice bellowed nearby, and with it, Joker tensed up, his grin turning to a violent frown.

"Harl? Harley, koff koff, Harley, you in here?"

Batman found himself petrified. Here he was, holding a mortified Joker up in front of him... and yet, he was hearing a much more Joker-sounding Joker in a different room, beckoning for Harley. Was the Joker in front of him right? Was he going crazy and just hallucinating this?

In the midst of the stunned silence, the Joker in Batman's grip suddenly kicked wildly, making Batman release him, and then bolted. When Batman ran after him, he found no one in the room, and an open window. Looking outside, he saw that Joker was nowhere to be seen.

Bruce cursed under his breath. There was still one last thing he had to check. Rushing out, he dived out of the manager's office and went back to where he had left Harley, to find her staring with uncertainty at Joker, who knelt in front of her with this confused expression on his face.

"Joker?" Batman muttered.

Joker looked up at him. "I don't suppose you saw who did this to my Harley, did you?"

"I might have."

"Really? Who?"

"I'm looking at him."

Joker paused for a moment. "... Nice try, Batsy, but I only just got here. Even ask Riddler. Even ask Harley. Right, honey? Ha ha ha!"

Harley, however, didn't move. She only blinked at Joker, whose quick smile swiftly disappeared.

"_Right_?"

Slowly, she shrugged.

Joker turned his attention back to Batman. "You saw _me_, you say?"

"Yes, but... It wasn't _you_."

"You don't say?" Joker laughed a little.

"We heard _you_, and then _he_ took off. I tried to go after him, but he was gone."

"Why are you here, anyways, Bats?"

"I got a call from you. You called me by..." He trailed off.

"By what?"

"... By my real name." Batman said hesitantly. If Joker already knew, there was no real reason for him to hesitate, but...

Joker blinked a few times. "_I_ don't know your real name, Bats. Riddle-face offered to tell me, but I refused. I don't want to know who you are, Batman - that would ruin the fun!" The clown prince of crime's grin returned to his face.

"Then who was it?" Batman growled.

"Oh, I know _who_ it was. I'm just trying to figure out whether or not I should tell you. Hmm, this really does mess up a lot for me, doesn't it... Wish I could've told him not to say anything to you, but I've got no way to contact him right now. I lost my phone when you kidnapped me, see."

"He called me from that phone."

Joker appeared to go pale, though it was hard to tell with the horrible condition of his skin and how it was already pure white to begin with. "You mean he has it? ... That's not good. That's not even funny."

Batman quietly stared down upon Joker, while Harley's gaze shifted from both of them as she impatiently waited for one of them to release her from her bindings.

"Well, Bats... I need to stop him. But frankly, I don't think my men have the capability to do that, and, well, I'm _dying_." Joker stopped for a moment. "Hee hee... And, uh... heh, so are you. But you're doing better than me, wouldn't you say? Ha ha h-" Joker broke into another coughing fit.

"Get to the point." Batman demanded harshly.

"I suppose what I'm trying to say is... I need you to do me a _favor_."


	9. Found You

"Oh, Bats. I never would've imagined you and I working together like this!"

These sardonic words came from The Joker, who managed to keep a smile on his face despite looking rather bluntly pained.

"Be quiet." Batman snapped quickly, walking ahead of Joker while trying to find a trail of some sort to follow so that he could find the Joker imposter and end this whole situation as quickly as possible.

He could barely handle _one_ Joker. The last thing he needed to deal with that night was _two_ Jokers.

"Come on, Bats; lighten up a little! I think you're the type of person to_ like_ it when it rains. You seem just sullen enough to _enjoy_ it." The clown prince of crime replied, not missing a beat, while pointing up at the dark, overcast sky over their heads.

"You don't?" Batman asked, though he wasn't particularly interested in the answer.

"Me? _Nah_. Rain soils my makeup. Ha ha ha h-_koff koff_. Shit."

For some reason, Batman couldn't help but smirk just a little bit, though he quickly shook it off.

"So, anyway, Batsie... What brings _you_ to Arkham City? Did you come here to beat Riddler's face against the wall? Or did you come here just to see little ol' me?"

Batman said nothing, and simply kept hunting for a trail.

"You know, I heard about what happened to that Bruce Wayne guy. Real shame he got locked up in here. Probably got ripped apart."

"Why would you care?"

Joker made a show of a nonchalant shrug. "He seemed interesting. I would've liked to play a little prank on him. He did basically want those other nutjobs and I free from this godforsaken place. He a friend of yours, Bats?"

"I've got something." Batman announced abruptly.

"Aw, don't avoid the question!"

"It's a footprint."

"Not of much use to you if the freak's wearing my shoes though, is it?"

"It's not from your shoe."

Joker's brow furrowed just a tad. "What do you mean, it's not from my shoe? What, did he take them off?"

"Maybe..." Before Batman could do anything more, Joker chimed in again.

"Then they must be around here somewhere. Why don't you have a look around? Why not in that dark alley with the suspicious dumpster?"

"No point."

"What? Why not?"

"These footprints are bigger than your shoe size."

"So he squeezed his huge feet into my shoes."

"That wouldn't be possible. Unless..."

Joker, realizing that Batman was onto something, tried to improvise a distraction. He started coughing as hard as he could.

Batman refused to look back until he heard Joker collapse. He walked over to the pitiful display and glared down at Joker.

"Get up," He snarled, "I know you're acting."

Joker snickered weakly. "You _got_ me, Batman. But I -_koff_\- think I messed myself up a little more than -_koff koff_\- intended with that joke. Would you be so kind as to carry me again?"

"No." Batman swiftly turned around and started walking.

"Ouch. Cold shoulder, much. You can't just _leave_ me here, you _know_ that, _right_?"

"Give me one good reason why I can't."

"What if that hat freak gets me again?"

"Not good enough." Batman resumed walking away.

"What if riddleface gets me again and I let him tell me your name?"

Batman stopped.

Joker laughed. "I knew that one would get you. Now give me a hand."

Resentfully, the Dark Knight returned to the side of the Clown Prince of Crime and cautiously lift him. He barely resisted the urge to drop him when he stretched his long, scrawny arms up and wrapped them around his cloaked neck.

"Ooh, a bridal carry again? How _romantic_~."

"Don't test me, Joker."

"Don't be such a poor sport, Batface." Joker feigned a pout and released one of his hands from Batman's cowl to trace a spindly finger under his exposed chin. The touch was cold and damp due to Joker's gloves, though Batman tolerated it until the clown started 'walking' his fingers up towards his lips, at which point he decided to succumb to the desire to let him fall.

When he hit the cold hard concrete, Joker started laughing again. "You're so shy, Bats! It's adorable!"

"I think you can walk."

"Aww, c'mon, Batman. I'm sorry, okay? I really do need help."

Though Batman didn't trust him one bit, his inner Good Samaritan broke through, and he found himself holding the thin clown again.

Joker snickered and placed his hand on Batman's jaw, making him look straight at him, and then he purred, "_Syke_."

Next thing Batman knew, he had Joker's scarred, lipsticked lips pressing against his own, and for a short moment, his mind pulled up several blanks while trying to figure out what to do. In the end, his body simply decided to drop Joker once more...

... which, as it turns out, Joker was prepared for. As soon as he was released, he wrapped his arms back around Batman's neck, and his legs around the stronger man's hips, effectively making himself into some sort of clingy, human frontpack.

For a few long seconds, Batman struggled to get Joker off of himself the way one would try to remove themselves from a slithering parasite, but Joker was relentless and determined to stay on. His strength soon faded, however, and Batman shoved him off of himself and back onto the ground. With the back of his hand, he wiped the red lipstick off of his lips best he could and began spitting.

When he looked down at the clown, he was nearly confused with how giddy and amused the psycho looked.

"There's something _new_ to cross off of my bucket list; _kiss Batman_." Joker giggled.

"You're _sick_."

"I _am_! Thanks for noticing!"

"In the head." Batman added.

"Says the person who runs around dressed like a bat! Ha ha ha!"

"You can solve your _own_ problems, Joker."

Joker made a strange face in response to that statement. "... Hm. Well, that's not very funny at all."

Before Batman could counter this with the silent treatment, they both froze up a bit when they heard a beckoning call.

"Alice? Alice, are you here? I hear you!"

"Oh for _fff_... This weirdo just doesn't let up, does h-" Joker's complaint was cut off when Batman clamped his hand over his mouth and dragged him into the alley with the 'suspicious dumpster', perching behind it in a way that both of them were hidden.

To avoid Joker's child-like stare of fascination, Batman kept his cheek to the side of the dumpster.

Mad Hatter, a loose handcuff dangling from his wrist, stumbled into the junction Batman and Joker had just fled from. "Oh, Alice~! There's no need to be scared anymore; Hatter's here for you. Eenie, meenie, miney, moe; into which alley does Alice go? If there's laughter, find him so; eenie, meenie, miney... _moe_."

"You suck at rhyming, stupid," Joker tried to grumble, but he was muffled into silence by Batman's palm.


	10. A Tiny Miscalculation

Mad Hatter looked down the alleyway. It was dark and cold outside, but that didn't bother him; he wanted nothing more than to find his beloved _'Alice'_.

_'Alice'_ was here. He would find him.

"Alice~..." He purred as he walked down the alley. He was certain his _'Alice'_ was here. Therefore, he was not surprised when _'Alice'_ emerged from behind a dumpster, aiming a gun at him.  
"Hello, Alice." The Mad Hatter said casually.

"You'd better leave, fruitcake. Before I shoot you and carve a permanent smile onto your face." _'Alice'_ replied bitterly.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk! Alice, please, be kind!"

"Why should I be? It's late, I haven't slept, and I'm getting pretty cranky now."

Hatter took a step closer. "Are you tired, Alice? Here, let's get you back home..."

"Back off."

Still, Hatter took another step, and _'Alice'_ pulled the trigger. Out of the silver gun popped a small metal pole, with a flag attached that read "BANG!"

Hatter snickered.  
_'Alice'_ did not make a sound.

"My dearest Alice... Please, you must sl-" Mad Hatter stopped and crumpled to the ground after Batman swiftly struck the back of his neck.

"Nice one, Bats!" Joker, Hatter's current _'Alice'_, commented with a grin. "It looks like you knocked him out cold! Now just finish him off, and we'll be done here."

"That's not how I do things." Batman replied as he turned and started walking away, his long black cape flowing behind him.

Joker frowned and said, "Fine then, you coward. I'll do it myself."

When he turned around and saw Joker aiming his gun at the man he had just knocked out, Batman threw himself forward and grabbed the clown, lifting him into the air and slamming him against a wall.  
"That's not how I do things," He repeated in a snarl, "And so long as you're with me, that's not how you do things, either!"

"Bats, heads up!"

Batman raised a brow and hesitantly looked over his shoulder in time to watch Jervis Tetch stab a pocketknife into his lower back.

"Get your hands off of Alice this instant!" Mad Hatter shouted dramatically as Batman dropped Joker in order to fight.

"See, this is why you gotta do things my way, Batman..." Joker muttered.

Batman swung punches at Jervis, some of which he dodged and others which hit him, whilst Mad Hatter kept swinging his blade.  
It didn't take long for Joker to get bored of watching this, so soon enough he marched forward and shoved them apart.  
"Now, now, girls! Take it easy!"

Mad Hatter grabbed hold of Joker's slender arm, tugging slightly to get his attention off of Batman's pale blue eyes.  
"Alice, it's not safe with Batman! You need to come with me so I can keep you safe!"

Joker glared down at Tetch, narrowing his green eyes in disgust. Even so, however, he grumbled, "What's in it for me if I do?"

"Well, then you won't be in danger. And we can have a tea party!"

Joker looked at Batman with a nearly comical expression. "I won't be in danger." He repeated sarcastically. Batman said nothing, not sure what to do.

"Come, Alice! We must away!"

"Hmm. I dunno. Bats, that sound like a good idea?"

"Not particularly." Batman replied.

Suddenly, before either of them could react, Hatter slapped a tiny little Alice-like headband onto Joker's head, to which the clown's face when blank.  
When Batman dove forward to yank it off, Hatter stabbed him in the stomach with the pocketknife he got from Joker earlier. This in itself didn't deter Batman, but then Hatter kicked him in the face, grabbed Joker's hand, and started running with the somewhat-dazed clown (who limped more than anything.)

"_Joker!_" Batman shouted. Hatter pulled Joker around a corner, and Batman wondered for a moment how that scenario went to shit so quickly. He cursed under his breath before firing his Grapple Gun upward, pulling himself up onto a rooftop to look down. Already, the two were too far for Batman to drag them closer.

The Dark Knight coughed and looked down. Mad Hatter had really managed to do some damage with the pocketknife, but from his own knowledge, the Bat knew that it wouldn't be fatal... so long as he got treatment for it. Something makeshift would have to do.  
He turned his head in time to watch Mad Hatter and Joker vanish into an alley a good distance away. He shouldn't have underestimated Jervis Tetch.

* * *

Mad Hatter happily skipped around in the alley he had fled to. "_Yyyes!_ I got Alice! I got Alice!"

_'Alice'_ stood quietly by his side, a drowsy look on his scarred face as he stared blankly at nothing in particular.

"Ooh, Alice, we're going to have so much fun together. First, though, I'll need to prepare you for our guests. You must look presentable."

_'Alice'_ twitched a bit. "B-... Bats..."

"What is that?"

"B-Bat-... -man..."

Jervis reached up and stroked _'Alice's'_ gaunt, pale cheek. "Poor thing... He must have done horrible things to you while he had you... I'll never let him get hold of you again, Alice, don't you worry. You're safe with me, forever."

_'Alice'_ flinched somewhat at the touch, but could no longer resist thanks to the mind control device in the headband.

"Let's go, my dearest Alice. It's time for that tea party I promised."


	11. Preparations

As the rain poured down on the forsaken area of Gotham that was Arkham City, it drenched Bruce Wayne. This wouldn't have been a problem for The Dark Knight, if it weren't for the fact that it almost seemed to make the ground slippery underneath him. Perhaps that was just a side-effect of the wounds he'd received from Mad Hatter no more than five minutes earlier, or maybe he was simply becoming ill from the infection in his blood that Joker had so eagerly caused.

Batman couldn't help but let out a single, faint snicker. Surely Joker must now be rethinking whether or not that was a good idea. But then it occurs to him that now, Joker likely wasn't thinking at all, at least not for himself, not now that he was under Jervis Tetch's mind control.

Shuffling alone slowly through the alleyways of the ever-desolate Arkham City, almost allowing himself to relax somewhat, Batman considers contacting Alfred for assistance. Maybe if he just left and came back...

"_No._" The Dark Knight grumbled gruffly under his breath. "If I leave, I won't _be able_ to come back."

Mad Hatter needed to be dealt with _now._ Otherwise, it might be too late for Joker to be saved.

A part of Bruce countered this point with a good question; why in the world did he care about Joker's well-being? It was no longer about saving another of Hatter's Alices, it was now about saving Joker specifically. Why did he care about what happened to Joker, after all that clown-like son of a bitch had done to him? After all the suffering he'd caused?

There were many things he could have argued back with. The fact that Joker kept him on his toes, how Joker praised him (even backhandedly), the clear desire the clown had to indulge him...

The kiss.

Bruce, despite being dressed as Batman, allowed himself to gulp.

The kiss. Was it a joke?

Everything was a joke to Joker.

But was the kiss?

Yes. Yes, it had to be. It had to be a-

_Thump._

Something hits Batman in the back. Turning, the cloaked anti-hero finds it to have been a plank of wood.

"Look, boys; it's the Bat! Get 'im!"

Christ. Not now. Goons are the last thing he wants to deal with.

As the ragged men rush forward, Batman calmly fires his Grapple Gun up. In the blink of an eye, the ragged men find themselves alone in the alley, as Batman had fled up to the rooftops again. He can't fight them right now. Feeling safe enough on the rooftops, Batman finally sighs and decides to call Alfred. Maybe he could get a medicine kit dropped down to him.

* * *

Mad Hatter has his '_Alice_' seated in front of a mirror. He brushes '_Alice's_' long golden hair, a wig, and smiles.

"Your hair is so beautiful, Alice." He purrs lovingly.

'_Alice_' blinks. He stares at the mirror with his green eyes, the only flaw in his forced cosplay, but doesn't see. He is therefore unable to react to the sight of his own scarred, tissue-damaged face without makeup, or to the sight of himself in nothing but a frilly blue dress.

The grungy purple suit originally donned by Hatter's '_Alice_' lays in a crumpled, torn heap in the corner of the room, where cockroaches quickly decide to make it their new home.  
Neither man takes notice of this. Time spent in Arkham Asylum has already adjusted them to this sort of occurrence.

"You fought so viciously when I had to take off your headband to give you back your hair." Hatter chuckles adoringly. "I'm so happy you're not resisting me anymore, my dearest Alice."

'_Alice_' silently blinks again. Hatter smirks, and allows his right hand to make its way to '_Alice's_' slender thigh, and then slowly move up to the bare, bony hip underneath the dress. There are already bruises here from a hard grip. Hatter, while undressing his '_Alice_', will admit he had lost control. However, he apologized then, so he says nothing of it now. The past is in the past. All that matters is that he has his '_Alice_.'

"I think you're ready now, Alice. You look absolutely stunning. The guest are already here. They're so eager to see you again." Saying this, Hatter presses his gloved fingers into the tender flesh of '_Alice's_' pelvis. He's pleased to hear '_Alice_' elicit a small inward gasp at the feeling.

"Let's not keep them waiting any longer, hm? They must be growing impatient by now." After putting the intricately feminine hairbrush down and taking one moment to run his digits through the golden hair before him, Mad Hatter takes '_Alice's_' hand. It is time for their tea party.


	12. The Tea Party

The rain has stopped now in Arkham City. After calling upon Alfred for assistance, Batman has managed to bandage himself, and he kneels, perched on top of a gargoyle.

His biggest thought right now is, where? Where would Mad Hatter have taken Joker this time? Jervis had mentioned a tea party. Where would be a suitable location to hold a so-called tea party? The world's greatest detective thinks feverishly.

'_Think. Think. Think!_'

The Dark Knight is so wrapped up in his thoughts that he fails to notice the presence behind him until it speaks.

"Riddle me this, Batman."

Batman nearly jumps to his feet, whipping around to discover that none other than Edward Nigma is standing behind him.

"What destroys itself the more it tries to protect itself?"

The Dark Knight says nothing.

The Riddler sighs. "The answer is, '_society_', you complete and utter ape."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Batman asks.

"Oh, come on. You can't tell me I'm being too cryptic."

Batman simply blinks. Riddler sighs and explains.

"What I'm getting at is that you made a mistake. You tried to protect the Mad Hatter from The Joker. Do you really not understand how it works here?"

"No," Batman grumbles. "Perhaps I don't."

"It's kill or be killed, Batman. It's a dog eat dog sort of world. By not letting Joker kill Mad Hatter, you've ensured that Mad Hatter will kill Joker."

Batman sneers. "No. I will not let that happen."

Riddler shakes his head. "You really don't get it, do you? It's too late. Joker is dead."

The Dark Knight's blue eyes narrow, but he remains silent.

"Go try to rescue him and see for yourself. They're at the Steel Mill, in the loading bay. I suppose Hatter is making a statement of some sort by showing Alice to Joker's woman and henchmen."

"Why are you helping me?" Batman asks skeptically.

Riddler shrugs. "I'm smarter than you, and it's frustrating to watch you squirm over something so simple. Therefore, I'm just going to give you the answer flat out. Maybe then you'll appreciate the complexity of my riddles."

"No, that's not it."

"If you're thinking about my connection with Joker, forget about it. It doesn't matter anymore, because whether you want to believe it or not, you're no longer saving Joker. You're saving only Alice."

If Batman had felt he had any time to spare, he would have apprehended and interrogated Riddler right there. However, instead, his worry for Joker's well-being pushes him to, with one last glare, glide off in the direction of the Steel Mill. He can only hope that Riddler is not lying to him.

* * *

Mad Hatter walks around the long wooden table, pouring tea for the guests sitting along its sides. Among these guests are Joker's henchmen, all wearing mind-controlling masks, and Harley Quinn, who instead of having a mask, finds herself once again tied to something, this time a chair.

"Mister J...!" She whimpers in the direction of Alice, who sits at the end of the table closest to her, staring off across the table at nothing. "Puddin'... C-can you hear me? It's me, Harley...!"

Alice blinks his bloodshot green eyes, but says nothing and moves no more than this.

"Please, Mister J, answer me...!"

Mad Hatter shakes his head at Harley. "Miss, there is no '_Mister J_' here."

"What are you talking about, you freak?! That's my Puddin' that you've got all dolled up!" The woman shouts.

"Please stop. You'll upset Alice."

"That's _not_ Alice, you _moron_! Alice _isn't a man_!"

Mad Hatter narrows his eyes furiously at Harley Quinn, making her gulp.

Alice coughs gently, attracting everyone's eyes.

"Alice? Dear, are you alright?" Hatter asks.

Alice does not respond. His face is almost paler than normal.

"There's no need to be nervous, Alice. You can tell us."

"He's _sick_, you bastard!" Harley cries. "Can't you tell?! My poor Mister J is..."

"Hush, Miss."

Harley begins to tear up. She's practically helpless here. The most she can do is pray that some sort of deus ex machina appears, and-

_**SMASH!**_  
Everyone's heads turn up to see a black shape crashing into the loading bay. It glides down and lands on the table, smashing it in two. Chipped teacups fly, smashing on the floor and getting the poisoned brown liquid everywhere.

Jervis Tetch shrieks. His magnificent tea party has been ruined!

"Batman!" Harley declares in relief. "You came!"

Recognizing that Harley is not necessarily in any immediate danger, Batman quickly strides over to Alice.

"How _dare_ you barge in without _an invite_?!" Hatter screams. "GET THE UNINVITED GUEST BEFORE HE GETS ALICE!"

All of Joker's hypnotized goons stand and lunge for Batman. Before they can reach him, however, he jumps away. In doing so, he leaves the path to Alice open, but before the goons can reach _him_, he _too_ is quickly yanked up.

Having hooked Alice's dress before jumping away, Batman pulls him toward himself. The roughness of the action nearly tears the blue dress (but luckily doesn't), and the wig, along with the headband controlling Joker, falls off, not secured tightly enough.

When they land, Batman is ready to flee at the slightest movement. However, he finds everyone in the room is very still, even Hatter, who only grins.

The Dark Knight is confused.

"Oh, Batman." Hatter purrs. "You really do think that you can take Alice away from me, don't you?"

Batman looks down at Joker, who is laying still in his arms. Although the headband is off, Joker's face is still blank. It almost appears as though removing the device controlling his mind has done absolutely nothing.

"Joker." Batman says gruffly. "Joker, it's me. Snap out of it."

When Joker doesn't respond at all, Batman begins to get the sinking feeling that, just maybe, Riddler was right. _Joker is dead_. All that remains is Hatter's Alice.

"He can't hear you, Batman." Mad Hatter says smugly.

Batman bows his head and thinks for a moment. "... No, you're wrong. He can hear me."

"What makes you so sure of that?"

"He can always hear me when I talk to him. We have a connection like that. Don't we, Joker?"

As if recognizing the words he had said some hours earlier, Joker's thin green eyebrows furrow somewhat, and as a result, The Dark Knight smirks a bit.

Hatter also recognizes the words, and he frowns at his Alice's reaction.

"Face it, Jervis. You're finished." Batman says.

Mad Hatter shakes his head. "I'm _far_ from _finished_, Batman... I'm not letting you take Alice away from me without _a fight_."

"B-_Bats_...!"

Reacting to Joker's choked warning, Bruce is able to respond quickly enough to grab Joker's slender wrist before it completes it's full motion toward his throat, and by tightening his grip, forces Joker to release the knife his hand held. Hatter watches the knife clatter to the ground with a distraught look on his face.

Joker falls limp in Batman's arms, though he trembles faintly.

"Joker?"

"Get him, Bats..." The Clown Prince of Crime mumbles. "Just put me down here... and kick his ugly teeth in for me..."

Batman turns his head to stare at Mad Hatter as he gently sets Joker down on the floor.

Mad Hatter yells. "Why do you always have to ruin_ EVERYTHING_?!" With this, all of the goons, still possessed, lunge once more.

Batman is prepared for this fight.

Jervis watches fretfully as, one by one, Batman defeats the goons. He opts to flee, but suddenly finds himself face to face with Joker, who is still wearing the dress.

"A-Alice..."

"I am _not_ Alice." Joker snarls, an unbitted fury more than visible in his eyes. "After all the rather unfunny things you've done to me in the past few hours, I see nothing more fitting for you than an unfunny end."

Mad Hatter gulps and stumbles back a bit. He turns around after hearing a hard thump, and finds that Batman has dealt with the last goon.

Joker clamps his hands down on Hatter's shoulders, making the shorter man tense up.  
"Good job, Bats."

Batman looks at Joker.

"Now, we've only got this freak left. Would you do the honors?"

"The honors of what, exactly?"

"Killing him, of course! What else would I want you to do, Bats? Make love to him?"

Batman stands his ground. "I'm not going to kill him, Joker."

Joker frowns intensely. "What do you mean?"

"He doesn't deserve to die. He's done things that are wrong, yes. But he doesn't deserve to die."

The clown's eyes widen with anger and disbelief. "You're joking, right? Even after all of the things he's done to me tonight, you'll still defend him?"

"Yes."

Joker's jaw drops a bit. "... You... Do you even... know what he's done to me...?"

Batman bows his head. "I'm sorry. But if I kill him, I'll have to kill you, as well. If I stop defending one criminal, then why defend another who's done worse in half of the same amount of time?"

"I can't believe you, Batman. No, that's not it. I can't believe myself. I can't believe that I was _happy_ to see you. I can't believe I thought you would be _my_ _hero_ for once. You're nothing more than a _coward_."

The Dark Knight has no time to react before Joker, in one swift motion, breaks Mad Hatter's neck. "No...!"

The Clown Prince of Crime lets Hatter's corpse fall to the ground, holding his hands up into the air as he does.  
"Go ahead, Batman. Do your worst. Break a few bones, make me bleed. Kill me, don't kill me. Do whatever you want. I've done wrong again. I deserve to be beaten to the brink of death, like _always_."

The accusing tone that Joker uses makes Batman pause. He reconsiders his options for a moment.

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

Exhaling deeply and secretly hoping he's not making a terrible mistake, Batman walks over to Joker, standing in front of him and looking down at him. He raises a hand, and Joker flinches.

"... Oh, jeez. Now I'm gonna get two for flinching, aren't I?"

Suddenly, however, Batman pulls Joker into a gentle embrace. The clown stammers, becoming tense from surprise and confusion.

"... Wh-... What...? I don't... Why aren't you beating me into a blood pulp?" Joker asks.

"Because that won't help anything, and because I don't want to. I want to help you."

Joker's brow furrows again. "Um... Define '_help_'."

"Rehabilitation. Companionship, even, if you prove you can handle it."

Too stunned to reply, Joker glances at Harley, who has been watching this entire affair in silence. She shrugs at him, just as confused as he is.

"... You know, Batman... This isn't a very funny joke."

"It's not a joke."

"Let go of me."

Batman obeys, taking a step back. For a long moment, Joker does nothing but stare quietly at the floor with his fists balled up by his sides.

"I promise to help you, no matter how difficult it is." Bruce says, holding his hand out for a handshake. "What do you say?"

The Clown Prince of Crime quietly stares at the gloved hand being extended towards him. He then, slowly, starts to laugh.  
"This is _so weird_, you know that, right?"

"Yes."

Still laughing, trying hard not to start coughing, Joker slaps Batman's hand away and hugs the larger man.  
"You're so _stupid_, Bats. But I guess I've always sort of _liked_ that about you."


End file.
